I Don’t Talk to My Dad Anymore
Many of you know I grew up Amish, then Mennonite, and finally Charity Fellowship.
Some of you followed my journey of reconnecting with my dad about seven years ago. I was filled with hope, and cautiously optimistic.
A few of you know that I am now once again estranged from my dad.
After reconnecting with him, the “honeymoon period” lasted about two years and then he eventually once again behaved with the old patterns of abusive behavior. Nothing had changed. Of course, he could be very nice at times. That’s all part of the cycle. Besides the physical violence and rage fits, this is what the emotional abuse cycle looked like when I was growing up, and it began all over again when I was reconnecting with my dad as an adult:
Idealization “Honeymoon” Phase:
— Overwhelming affection and praise.
— Intense attention and seemingly unconditional love.
—The child is perceived as perfect or the "golden child."
Devaluation Phase:
— Sudden shift to criticism and dissatisfaction.
— The child can do nothing right.
— Emotional withdrawal or overt hostility from the parent.
Fear of Abandonment:
— Extreme reactions to real or imagined signs of rejection.
— Manipulative behaviors to keep the child close.
Impulsive Reactions:
— Unpredictable mood swings.
— Angry outbursts over minor issues.
— Impulsive decisions that disrupt the family dynamic. (For my family this often involved a sudden move out of state.)
Black-and-White Thinking:
— The child is either all good or all bad with no in-between.
— Inconsistent rules and expectations.
— Love and approval are conditional and fluctuating.
Emotional Unavailability:
— Inability to recognize or respect the child’s emotional needs.
— The parent's emotional needs and crises dominate the relationship.
Guilt-Tripping and Victimhood:
— The parent often plays the victim to elicit sympathy and control.
— The child is made to feel responsible for the parent’s happiness.
Boundary Violations:
— Lack of respect for the child's privacy and autonomy.
— Over-reliance on the child for emotional support. The child cannot be a child; they have to take care of their parent. (I experienced this with both of my parents.)
Manipulation:
— Use of guilt, obligation, or fear to control the child’s behavior.
— Shifting responsibility for the parent's actions onto the child.
“Reconciliation” Phase:
— Temporary return to the idealization phase after a conflict.
— Promises of change and brief periods of stability. (Each time this happened, I had hope that everything could be different… only until it all came crashing down again!)
The cycle resumes, leading to confusion and instability ...
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Perhaps you had an abusive parent, or there’s someone else in your life whom you are stuck with in this never-ending cycle ….
Perhaps it’s time to walk away.
People ask:
But what about forgiveness?
Is estrangement biblical?
Forgiveness is a process of RELEASE, it does not involve dismissing abuse or allowing your abuser access to you.
For me, estrangement isn't about harboring unforgiveness; it's about taking care of my temple, my heart, my spirit, and my mind. It's about recognizing that while I can pray for my dad, I am NOT his savior. Believing I could be his only path to salvation or health would not only be unhealthy (codependency) but unbiblical. It could actually be prideful, as well.
Examples of setting boundaries / or choosing estrangement in the bible:
Abraham and Lot (Genesis 13): Abraham and Lot decided to part ways to avoid conflict between their herdsmen, demonstrating the importance of peaceful separation to prevent strife. This separation allowed both Abraham and Lot to flourish in their respective lands.
Jacob and Esau (Genesis 27-33): After deceiving Isaac to receive the blessing meant for Esau, Jacob fled his home to avoid Esau's wrath. This period of separation was crucial for both brothers to grow independently, leading to eventual reconciliation!
Joseph and His Brothers (Genesis 37, 45): Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery, leading to a long separation. This drastic action, although initially devastating, ultimately led to Joseph's rise in Egypt and the eventual salvation of his family during a famine.
Moses (Exodus 2-4): Moses fled Egypt after killing an Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew, separating himself from both his Hebrew family and his adopted Egyptian royal family. His time in Midian was a period of preparation for his future leadership.
Jesus and His Family (Matthew 12:46-50, Mark 3:31-35, Luke 8:19-21): Jesus, at times, had to set boundaries with His own family, emphasizing that spiritual kinship was as important as biological ties. His focus on His mission sometimes required prioritizing His spiritual family—those who do the will of His Father.
Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36-41): Paul and Barnabas had a sharp disagreement about John Mark's participation in their mission work, leading them to part ways. This separation allowed for the expansion of their ministries through different paths.
As you can see the bible is full of examples, for those who need a biblical example.
Of course, I miss my dad. Of course, I love him, very much so. Estrangement isn’t easy. It wasn’t a choice I wanted to make. It wasn’t the outcome I hoped for. Today I live in the tension of loving him while also separating myself from him. I’m able to love my dad and appreciate the good things I learned from him, while also knowing it’s not healthy to be in contact with him. It took time to embrace the tension of this reality where I could do both and be free.
In this article, I’m using my relationship with my dad as an example but there are others I choose not to communicate with because it would not be healthy. When someone demonstrates disrespectful / high-conflict / manipulative communication styles, I utilize blocking features quickly and release them to navigate their own paths as I navigate mine.
There is nothing holy or righteous about enduring a toxic relationship or remaining in a dysfunctional family dynamic.
Walking away doesn't mean you lack forgiveness or faith. Most times it's the biggest act of faith, because you are choosing to trust God with the future and healing that needs to happen, both in your heart and in the hearts of those from whom you've walked away.
