Returning to Myself, Surrounded by Mountains
This is where I belong. This where my heart comes alive. These mountains. Crisp air. Expansive, bright sunrises and sunsets. Heights that both thrill me and terrify me in the same breath.
I have processed everything that happened last year in a different way since I’ve moved back to Denver. Last year was a doozy and it broke my heart multiple ways. Since I’m back where my heart wants to be, I feel safe again. I’ve reflected and journaled a ton, written a letter of release (without sending it) to a former friend, and I’ve been able to, as they say, find my peace. It’s easier to more clearly see and understand why certain things had to happen the way they did and I accept it now.
All along, God was preparing me for what would happen next, making space for new things. I just couldn’t see it then, so I held on with tightly clenched fists, kicking and screaming.
Maybe the hardest part is not forgiving the people that hurt me, but forgiving myself.
I replayed everything that happened with a different ending so many times, where I was more mature and wiser and more..... perfect... because I kept making everything about myself instead of letting go and trusting this process that I’m in.
The process of grief and surrender is so important to experience healing and wholeness. I don’t think you can truly forgive someone else if you don’t forgive yourself. Just like you can’t receive love if you don’t first see yourself as being lovable, loving yourself.
And it takes time. Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else’s. One day something might just click for you and release you in an instant. Other times it will take the same process repeatedly before you are able to find healing & freedom.
Practices That Help Me Heal:
Living in the Psalms 🙏🏻
Listening to Graham Cooke’s “Soaking in Expectation”.
Spending time in nature, especially staring at the mountains or a body of water.
Collecting elements from nature and keeping them as reminders of the messages I heard. I still have tree bark that I collected in Germany when I went through a loss and God spoke to me through the trees in the Black Forest.
Seeing a trauma therapist or inner healing coach or doing a type of Sozo session.
Somatic movement practices to release trauma and emotional pain.
Not responding AT ALL to negative or toxic people.
Praying for those who hurt me.
Owning up to and taking responsibility for my own mistakes.
Journaling to God and listening for what I hear from Holy Spirit, then writing that down.
Learning to feel my most negative feelings through to completion and recognize where in my body the pain is located.
Carving out time to sit, listen to gentle music, and go into my inner world with Jesus and Holy Spirit, where I see visions - Awake Dreaming
It feels good to be here now, with humility and gratitude for how this part of my journey helped me become better.
Every hard part of your journey can increase your capacity for compassion and empathy. In time, you’ll see how it carved you out to hold more goodness.
