When One Side of the Family is Better than the Other Side
One of the most common tactics of a toxic parent is to control their child’s narrative about extended family members, often influencing their kid to believe their relatives and their culture are “better” than the other parent’s. As a kid, you naturally want to connect with and take pride in your family heritage, and aligning with the “superior” side can become another way to gain approval…
I had an aunt who was vibrant and unapologetically herself. One of my parents felt threatened by her free-spirited nature and they would often make passive-aggressive remarks about her. She was too this, too that. I even overheard arguments between my parents about her. A few times I was explicitly forbidden from visiting her, as if her independence was contagious. (Truthfully - it was - look at me now!)
Since I desperately wanted to please my parents, I found myself conflicted about my aunt and what she represented. As I got older, I started to absorb this idea that one side of the family was "a mess", “too this, too that”, and began to favor the other side. This was subtly and not so subtly encouraged by one of my parents. This bias seemed validated by the apparent stability and success on the other side of the family…
As a kid, I didn't grasp this behavior stemmed from my parent's deep-seated need for control and validation. By influencing me to align more closely with their side of the family and embrace their cultural identity, they didn’t care as much about connecting me to my heritage as they needed to feed their ego and desire to feel superior.
This parent was also sowing seeds of division within our family. They aimed to be the predominant influence and authority in my life. When my curiosity drew me towards the other side of the family, I wrestled with feelings of betrayal—a heavy, misguided feeling that reflected the complex emotional landscape they had crafted, not the reality of our family's dynamics. It’s a twisted mess they created.
As a young adult, I spent more time with both sides of my family. I began to see the cracks in the facade that I’d been shown. I found out that issues and imperfections were present in relatives from the "better" side too, which made me question the whole narrative. This realization let me see my family members more clearly, understanding that no side was inherently better or worse… we were all human.
Today, I appreciate the complexity of my family heritage, even though I rarely spend time with them. Engaging with both sides without prejudice helped me develop a more holistic view of where I came from. Understanding the full spectrum of my family's cultures and histories enriched my sense of self, showing me that each side had unique value and lessons to teach me. One side of the family has never been “better” than the other!
